The photo at the top shows not a wrecked rural mail box, or one of those newsstands that sit as urban furniture holding free periodicals, or even an electrical junction box along a rail line. It is not an air pump at a gas station, or a recharging station. It is one of the few pictures from Germany that doesn't have Chancellor Angela Merkel in it.
If you know what it is, you've seen the story, or been to Schoeppingen, Germany. It's a condom machine that exploded. Not through some malfunction of electrical wiring, but as a failed result of three Christmas morning burglars who attempted to blow it up to gain access to the cash inside. Honest, that's the start of the story.
Apparently, at 7:40 in the morning, Christmas morning, three men put an explosive charge in the machine. Two got back to the car before it exploded, but the third was hit in the head by flying debris, and later dies in the emergency room. He was 29.
You wouldn't think a scene from the movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid could be re-enacted at the side of a road in Germany with a condom machine, but apparently that is the case.
If you remember the movie, Butch and Sundance, Paul Newman and Robert Redford once again hold up the train and try to get to the mail car where the money is. This time, the poor guy inside is not falling for opening the door, but rather gives Butch and Sundance a hard time, and stands firm in his refusal to open the door.
Butch remembers the guy from before and orders Woodcock, to open the door. No dice. So, Butch places dynamite around the door. Dynamite is what all train robbers carry in case they meet a stubborn Woodcock. But Butch is not a munitions expert, and really does place a tad too much dynamite. When it explodes, it really explodes. Mission accomplished, the door is blown open, but so is everything inside the mail car. Money starts flying around as if it were ticker tape coming down in the Canyon of Heroes.
Woodcock is injured, but not dead, and Sundance sardonically asks his partner if he used enough dynamite. Money is scooped up as best they can, and they ride off with what they can quickly gather. It is not going to be enough.
The story from Germany does not describe what explosive the three men used. There was a piece of advice during WW I that there shouldn't be three men on a match. This meant, a lit match shouldn't stay lit long enough to light three cigarettes. The sustained glow would give away their position to enemy.
Obviously, these guys had no sense of history, or watching American movies. The three hung around long enough to get the explosive going, and two made it back to the car before it ignited, sending flying shrapnel in the direction of the third one who didn't get back fast enough.
Three guys on a condom machine is one too many. It is not known if the slowpoke was a fat guy who might have been out of shape, or if he tripped over his own feet in the excitement to get away. He suffered head injuries, was taken to an ER by his buddies who at least didn't abandon him, but later died from his injuries. Not a happy ending.
LOTS of questions are raised as part of this story.
- How much cash does one of these machines hold? More than an ATM? Was this going to exceed the Lufthansa heist?
- What were these guys expecting the take to be, splitting it three ways, assuming of course no one gets killed?
- Splitting the take two ways is of course better, but leaves you with a body that presents difficulty explaining--as they found out.
- How much are condoms at a roadside machine? Enough to generate money that would attract even cretin-minded burglars?
- Where are these machines placed in Germany? By the looks of things, this one seems to be in a rural setting.
- How adequate was the care the poor guy received? Certainly second guessing there by those who don't know the extent of the injuries, or the ability off the staff to respond to them.
And then we have Donald Trump. He somehow manages to indirectly crawl into the story when you remember that he just recently reminded the American public that Hillary Clinton got "schlonged" by Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential Democratic party primaries.
It is too late for the New York Post to revise their headline, but GERMAN GUY'S GONG GETS SCHLONGED AND DIES would get my vote.
It is too late for the New York Post to revise their headline, but GERMAN GUY'S GONG GETS SCHLONGED AND DIES would get my vote.
Hillary doesn't know how lucky she was not to be near these three guys on Christmas morning in Schoeppingen, Germany. Maybe we all were.
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