Doggy Doo

We've probably seen in a police show where the cops ask someone if they can swab them for their DNA, "for elimination purposes." The long-stemmed Q-tip comes out, is rubbed inside the cheek and shoved into a labeled test tube to be processed by the forensic lab. 

Would you think they do this on dogs as well? Well they do, if you live in a gated or dedicated community, or are in a homeowners' development, where picking up doggy doo has been a problem for the home owners' association.

The inimitable A-Hed piece in the WSJ once again comes up with one of their gems.

Why Landlords and Even Tenants Are Picking Up After Other People's Pooches
A growing number  of apartment complexes are turning to DNA testing to track down residents who abandon messes their dogs make, leading to awkward encounters and fines; 'I feel like Maury Povich.'

Never to miss a chance at word play and puns, the piece by Sarah Needleman treats us to people who describe themselves as "the poop patrol."

"...the pandemic puppy boom..."
"Unable to cut the crap with security cameras or signs..."
...landlords are turning to DNA technology. PooPrints..."

"Devin O'Barr, manager of a luxury Chicago-area property that uses PooPrints, says "catching a poop perpetrator is exciting."

"'I feel like Maury Povich,'" he says, referring to the former TV talk-show host who made parental DNA testing a staple of his broadcasts." Who knew this about Maury?

There is nothing there can't be a database of, and in this instance there is a database of a dog's DNA that was taken just like on the cop shows and sent to the lab.

Owners have to present their pooches on moving in. The dog's DNA doesn't go to the F.B.I., but rather to a firm that had been growing steadily in maintaining and processing dog poo samples.

BioPet Laboratories maintains data for 9,000 apartment complexes, tripling its growth since 2019. Brown gold.

The threat of a positive id, along with a fines that can sometimes double and triple as the offenses go along are real deterrents.

One groundskeeper said before the complex signed on with PooPrints they could pick up to six five-gallon buckets of pooch poo a week.

And because there are those who don't mind picking up poop that someone left and turning it in, compliance and deterrence is enhanced by deputy poo-police-picker-uppers. However, there is the story of one such poop patrol volunteer who scooped up droppings, turned them in, only to have the test come back and identify their dog as the perp. The schmuck was still fined. I mean, some things may not leave you with a great many distinguishing characteristics, and all poop can look alike.

Unmentioned in the piece are loopholes. Say you move in, don't have a dog, but get one later, and say "screw it," you're not going to go through the rigamarole of getting your dog's poop on the database. What then? Neighbor vs. neighbor and the authorities are alerted.

Or, say you did register, and the animal is no longer with you for whatever reason, and you get another one and don't bother to register the new one. The new dog's DNA will not be on file, and to a neighbor, they may not know that there's a new dog in town, since the person used to have one. Therefore, nothing to report. Poop scofflaws.

As with anything, compliance starts with the condition of your conscience.

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