Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair,
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy,
Was he?
What was he? An Olympic swimmer?
Mary Roach has written a book titled "Fuzz: When Nature Breaks the Law." And when Fuzzy Wuzzy breaks the law often enough by tipping over garbage cans, diving into dumpsters, breaking into homes, campers, cars and trucks, and paddling into campsites, the wildlife law enforcement people generally get involved. And it doesn't always turn out well for the bear.
Repeat offenders might be relocated deep into the forest, only to somehow find their way back to the scene of their previous crimes, eating uninvited, and certainly not cleaning up after themselves.
Ms. Roach tells us the story of a tagged bear who made his way back 142 miles, six of which involved an ocean swim. Mother bears, or sows, actually teach their offspring cubs how to turn handles, remove doors, climb through windows and get to where the goodies are. It's as if the cubs are juvenile inmates who learn from the adults how to pull the next caper. A new generation of transgressors is born and groomed.
I'm only part way through Mary's book, and I'm hooked. The first chapter is cleverly called "Maul Cops" and lays out the various wildlife agencies that get involved when the wildlife invite themselves over too often for a snack. Or a banquet.
I don't know if it is investigative reporting, long-form journalism, or just plain fun reading, but Ms. Roach has mastered the art of pulling together a vast set of facts and numbers and making it an interesting read.
I suppose the bibliography would tell me how she's able to tell us that:
For the most part of the past century, your odds of being killed by a cougar were about the same as your odds of being killed by a filing cabinet.
However, your odds of being fined by the IRS, or even jailed because of what is found in a filing cabinet are a good deal better.
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Hibernating bears who live off their own fat do not need to use the toilet. They reabsorb their urine and form a fecal "plug." Cubs, on the other hand, let it go inside the den, Not a problem, because the mother bear eats it—partly as cleanup, but mostly as food. She is nursing, after all.
Thus, if you get mad at a mother bear and tell her to "eat shit" she is more than likely to simply comply, and is happy to do so.
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Between 2001 and 2007, 1,100 automobiles were broken into by bears at Yosemite campgrounds. It turned out that fewer than five bears—sows and their cubs—were behind the break-ins.
Talk about a crime family.
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I'm not even through Chapter Two and reading about the bears that prowl the alleys behind the restaurants in Aspen, Colorado, when I read about Hank the Tank in the NYT, a black bear thought to be behind numerous break-ins in South Lake Tahoe, California.
Hank, as pictured above, is 500 pounds—unusually large for a black bear—and reminds me of when a trio of professional wrestlers were boarding our flight from Wausau, Wisconsin to Chicago late one evening.
My boss and I were making a connection back to New York after a one-day meeting in Wausau (saw nothing of the place other than a conference room) when it became apparent that the three very large individuals we saw in the bar were slated to be on our flight.
Because it was a short, commuter type flight, I don't think the seats were pre-assigned. When the wrestlers sat close to each other I distinctly remember the flight attendant separating them and distributing them—and thus their weight—to different parts of the aircraft. We weren't leaving until the load was better balanced. It seemed like they got a lot of that.
The February 22, 2022 NYT story tells us of attributing more than two dozen home break-ins to the gargantuan black bear that has earned the nickname Hank the Tank.
Hank has evaded capture, bypassing a trap set for him. But patience is running out, and the last resort of euthanizing the bear is becoming increasingly likely. Most residents of the gated community don't want that, they just want the problem to go away.
Unfortunately for Hank, the sanctuaries are filled, and relocation deep into the forest either just eventually leads him to come back, or causes Hank to be the same problem somewhere else. He has acquired a strong addiction for human leftovers, and may not even be hibernating because the pickings are so lush. Born to eat and run.
In fact, it turns out in a follow-up story in the Times, it is revealed that it is now thought that there is more than one Hank, perhaps as many as three of them based on DNA evidence. Extremely large black bears tend to look alike and may not carry the right id. To the untrained human, they look alike.
Thus, Hank has not acted alone, reinforcing conspiracy theories. This is good news for Hank I. With multiple bears involved, the California Department of Fish and Wildlife said it would work in the coming weeks and months to trap and study them and then release them into more suitable habitats.
This is when the NIMBY people might really have a valid concern: please, not in my backyard.
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