Zingers and Dingers

When it can be pulled off, a zinger in an obituary adds to the read. It might state some form of implied irony about the deceased, or it might be less subtle and announce that the world is a better place since the departed departed, as one recently did. (See Not All Created Equal)

Columns are another great source for zingers. Columnists, especially political columnists, are always sharpening their point. They either create their own zinger, or pull one out of the archives and polish it off for most to enjoy.

No better place to go for these than Maureen Dowd's column, which I just realized is no longer titled Liberties. Yesterday, she gave us a beaut.

There is no greater proof that onofframp mentality exists in others when the release of two American hostages by North Korea sends Ms. Dowd onto memory lane when she recounts an anecdote about Billy Wilder, the film director.

It seems Billy is having lunch with Leon Wieseltier, a literary critic, when the name of Swifty Lazar comes up. Swifty is an agent, publicist, all round media, movie maker and shaker. I do remember reading about him and seeing pictures of him. He threw a Truman Capote-size party once. Well, the name must make it higher up than Swifty, because he is short, and apparently a pain-in-the-ass, because Wilder tells Leon that Swifty should go hang himself from a bonsai tree.

Ms. Dowd uses this anecdote at the outset of her column, because the leader of North Korea, Kim-Jong-il, is short. So, a short North Korean leader who has allowed hostages to go free reminds Maureen of Swifty Lazar and Billy Wilder. The world is connected.

But it is a great zinger. So great, it reminds me of a similar one that my friend's father would occasionally utter about someone's unbelievable incompetence. To prove someone's unworthiness he would exclaim they were so bad they, "could f*** up a two car funeral."

I only came to know my friend's father briefly in the 1960s, before he passed away. I was a teenager, but when I heard that one I knew I was in the presence of a great zinger. The father was also in show business, having been a vaudeville booking agent, then a TV producer in the early days of television for CBS. The family lived near Black Rock, CBS's headquarters.

There must be something about show people, because they do come out with some beauts. Red Skelton, at hated movie producer Harry Cohn's funeral is said to have observed that if you give people something they want, they will come out for it.

I never really did grasp what it was about a two car funeral that if you got it wrong you were a complete nincompoop. I was never even really sure if you counted the hearse as one of the cars, or was it the two cars following that was where something was wrong. The Grover Cleveland and number of presidents riddle. Being only a teenager I never did ask what was meant by it, but I fairly assumed it was bad, and might have involved getting one car (or two) in front of the hearse leaving the funeral home. That would look ridiculous, and certainly qualify someone for ignominy.

My friend's father would also love to re-tell the story that when Broadway producer Billy Rose passed away he was so disliked that there were NO cars following the hearse.

I can only guess someone was afraid of screwing it up.

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