Turn the Damn Thing Off

I don't have the exact date, but it's more than 10 years since Russell Baker wrote in his Observer column, "I've learned all I need to know about the O.J. trial just by walking past a television."

I knew then when I read it it was already a timeless observation, and Mr. Baker didn't even have to add if the television was on or off. I always felt it was true even if the set were off and unplugged. I'd like to think he retired with oodles of money from the royalties for just that sentence, but I'm aware that things don't work that way.

I've loved repeating the sentence, and always give it full attribution. It gets a workout. Now, more than 10 years later we have Alex Rodriquez, steroids, and a baseball season that's not even begun. A 38 second pause inside of a 38 minute news conference. Alex should get a new number.

If I thought putting the television back in a box would solve things I'd go out and buy the box now. I vaguely remember a Twilight Zone episode where the ventriloquist's dummy keeps talking even without the ventriloquist there to mouth the words. Rod Serling was another genius.

Years and years ago, Gene Klavan, a morning show radio personality on WNEW here in New York in the 1960s and 1970s wrote a book titled Turn the Damn Thing Off. It was about television.

My father's best friend went into the hotel business, eventually becoming a banquet manager at the Savoy Plaza in NYC, then something equally large in L.A. I remember as a kid that Joe once told me that a hotel is always open, even if the front door is locked. As long as you have one guest, you're open. You never close until you go out of business. There are no more test patterns on television.

Three-fifths of the world, or thereabouts, is covered in water. The rest of the world is just covered.

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