Of A Certain Age

It's possible you've seen the television commercial for Viagra, an erectile dysfunction drug that portrays a user to be a manly man wearing a hard hat talking into a walkie-talkie while seemingly being the only guy around a massive pipeline, or chemical plant. The message is he knows what to do at 3 A.M. when no one else is around. Who you gonna call? This guy. He's of the certain age where he knows what to do.

He's going to report back to headquarters that there's nothing to worry about. He's flipped the right lever and now it's time to go home to his beauty queen runner-up who's just ready to take such a man into her arms. The moment is right. It's time for Viagra.

The commercial has of course made me think. I'm of a certain age. What do I know how to do?

I make sure I put the check into the correct envelope to refill my advance deposit wagering account. In industry terms, my ADW. This requires me to make a distinction between XPressBets and XPressScripts, who I of course send my mail order prescriptions to.

XPressBets and XPressScripts. The words are much alike. Almost like "pirate" and "pilot" in Gilbert and Sullivan's "Pirates of Penzance." There can be little worse than having no money in the betting account while also having an empty medicine bottle, all because I chose the wrong envelope. I am of a certain age and I know what to do.

I also never set my garbage out on the curb the night before they're not scheduled to pick it up the next day. I read the town's annual sanitation schedule as closely as I read the obituary section of the newspaper. When the recent July 4th holiday rolled around I knew, unlike many, that there of course would be no pickup on Friday, and that there was no substitute date scheduled, like Saturday. Face it and stuff it. I am of a certain age and I know what to do.

When I go to the supermarket I never buy more than 10 items, which of course would disqualify me from the express line checkout. But I also never automatically default to the express line. I see who's doing the ringing up. A non-express line can move faster if you catch it right, like being at the tail end of someone who's finishing up while doing their own bagging. It doesn't happen often, but you've got to keep your options open.

I'm reporting back to headquarters. I am of a certain age and I know what to do.